My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
