How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
