how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
