I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
