Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
