when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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