hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
