It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
