And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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