Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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