there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
