What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize