Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
