and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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