i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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