I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
