I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
