party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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