How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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