I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
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He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
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His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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