nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
