I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
