Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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