like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
