You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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