I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
