new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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