Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
