What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
