oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
