If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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