I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
