As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
