I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
