I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
me + whiskey = a bad person
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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