I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
