I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
