dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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