That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
