Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
