Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
