He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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