Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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