i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
