I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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