i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
