I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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