just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
