Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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