Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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