apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
