he puts the penis in happiness.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
