I accidentally had phone sex last night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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