All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
