I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
