Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
