You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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