i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
