I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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