She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
