You can't special order awesome
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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