I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
