I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
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Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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