i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Life is so much better after having sex.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
