did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
